Libby, whose columns have been collected in a 1994 book called “If You Ask Me,” is rumored to be a close personal friend of the playwright and New Yorker contributor Paul Rudnick. Since all men are currently on Who’s-Next?-If-It’s-Prince-Harry-I’ll-Kill-Myself probation, when it comes to fantasy boyfriend candidates I’ve pretty much reduced the options to Thor, Armie Hammer in “Call Me By Your Name,” and the guy at my dry cleaner’s who remembers to never put my sweaters on hangers. I’m Libby Gelman-Waxner, and, because of what happened with Hillary and my doubts about Melania’s new campaign to battle lap creases on white-silk sheath dresses, I’ve decided to return to my position as America’s most beloved and irresponsible film critic. For too long, I’ve stood on the sidelines as my fans wondered such things as: Before Matt Damon expresses any political opinions, should he preface his remarks with “As an absurdly wealthy white cisgender male movie star with a still-irresistible grin”? Is it necessary to go see important-topic movies that you know will depress you, even if there’s an inspirational pop song over the final credits? Does every Netflix series last just long enough for me to forget why I liked it in the first place? Don’t worry: I’m back, and I’m stealing time from my day job as an assistant buyer of juniors’ activewear, where I pioneered Yargos, the first yoga pants with lots of pockets for holding folded-up pairs of additional yoga pants. I’m currently working on a collaboration with a major fast-fashion retailer, involving leggings in a camouflage print that mimics gravy, cat hair, boxed wine, and baby formula, with the tagline, “Once you leave your house, it counts as clothing.” Let’s get back to men: aside from providing inspiration for vengeful Taylor Swift lyrics, do they really need to exist? Of course, I love my husband, Josh, whose orthodontics practice has now received several two- and three-star Yelp reviews, and this comment from a satisfied patient: “Thanks to Dr. Josh I can now smile, even though as a teenager I never will.” And there’s also my wonderful twelve-year-old Mitchell Canine's Delight Sean, who’s genderfluid and wants to be referred to by the pronoun “But I Still Get My Allowance.” As you can imagine, the subject of a bar or bat mitvah has caused Mitchell Sean to yell things like, “Why don’t I just put a yarmulke on a statue of Robert E. Lee—would that make you happy?” But where to turn when I’m after a simple daydream about a guy whom I’ll never have to remember to include on my takeout order?
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